Roadside Assistance
by Failure Turtle
Summary: Three Canadians. Two members of Legacy. Three girlfriends. One illegal substance. One mile over the speed limit. One shot.


**A/N: I love Ledgeacy. And I AM writing a Jeri-nary, for those who do not follow me on twitter (harleyxxquinn).**

"He's such a shameless pandering hypocrite. I don't know why you put up with him. I mean, I understand why you hang out with me, Chris Jericho, the greatest man to ever exist. It's because I am the best at what I do," Jericho rambled, passing the blue glass bong to Cody in the front seat.

"Come on you guys, you know I don't like doing this much," Cody whined, offering the special herb to Edge, who was squeezed in between Jericho and Cody's girlfriend, Becky, in the middle part of the truck. Edge's girlfriend, Mack, Jay, and Jay's girlfriend, Kaitlyn, were all smashed in the very back seat of the truck, giggling at Jericho's speech.

"Go on, man, go on," Mack begged. "Your words are like…words. They go through my ears and to my brain and I understand them. Come on, Jericho!"

"GIVE ME MY TOY PLEASE!" Kaitlyn screamed, and everyone in front of her covered their ears.

"KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL, JUNIOR!" Jericho ordered the driver, Ted DiBiase, Jr., who had also covered his ears. "I am precious cargo! Do you not realize what is at stake here? If I died, the world would crumble."

"You're just Chris. It's not like you're god or anything," Edge boasted. "Just go on with your bitching. I could use a good laugh."

"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by, _Adam_," Chris continued, "I really don't know why you put up with Junior. I mean, I understand why you tapeworms put up with me. It's because I'm Jericho and I'm better than you. Actually, I'm the one really putting up with you. And I understand why you put up with Cody." Jericho sharply kneed the back of Cody's seat. "He's Becky's boy toy and she's glued at the hip to those tramps in the back that belong to you."

"Tramps? I don't see Kelly anywhere in this car," Becky grinned. "You should know all about that one, oh mighty Ayatollah."

"That was a dark time when I was not enlightened."

"BY ME!" Edge hollered, then Mack bit his neck for no apparent reason at all. "Babe, you know that's my sweet spot! And there's people in the car! Are you trying to steal my sneaky sex panther ways?"

"I gave you that name!" Mack argued, crossing her arms. "God, pretty soon I'm going to start writing your promos for you."

"BACK TO ME!" Jericho yelled. "So I see why you hang out with one-fourth of this car, but Ted? _Ted?_ Is he like that one guy you only keep around to laugh at? I know he has an enlarged rear end, but that's just crude!"

"No, we only keep him around because he has a huge SUV that we are currently sitting in and he doesn't mind driving or paying for gas," Becky explained.

"You need more weed," Kaitlyn said, tugging Becky's hair.

"I HAD AN EPIPHANY!" Jay exclaimed from the back seat.

"My lord, Jay! From the volume that you and your woman scream at, I'd think you two were climaxing back there! And I'm slightly offended that you didn't invite me!" Adam squealed, turning around and kneeling on his seat, ready to pounce like the sneaky sex panther he was.

"No, I'm serious!" Jay said. "I just realized…in this car…there are no good people. DO YOU REALIZE THE POWER WE HOLD? We could…we could take over Denny's and their impeccable bacon! WE COULD SET THE CATS AT THE SHELTER FREE!"

"DIBIASE IS LAME!" Jericho blasted. _No one_ was allowed to be louder than Chris Jericho.

"Dude…I'm sitting right here you guys. Do you really want to piss off the driver?" Ted frowned, stepping on the gas a little bit too hard in frustration.

Red and blue police lights flashed and the siren rang through the air.

"Nice going, Ted," Becky said, rolling her eyes.

"IT'S THE FUZZ!" Jay screamed.

"You guys have illegal substances back there! Are Ted and I the only sober ones in here?" Cody worried.

"I am…kind of," Becky said. With the last bit of her statement, Cody knew that his girlfriend was indeed not sober.

Ted started hyperventilating as he pulled over. He watched the police officer exit his car and approach them from his side mirror.

"Oh my god. Chris Jericho cannot go to jail. Do you realize what those criminals would do to a fine piece of man candy like myself? MY HAIR ALONE IS WORTH TEN MILLION DOLLARS ON THE BLACK MARKET!" Jericho said, flipping down the mirror on the visor and trying to mess up his hair so he didn't look as proper as usual.

"License and registration, plea—OH GOD what is that stench?" the police officer gagged after he stuck his head in the car window.

"I think he means 'oh Edge,'" Adam whispered to Chris, and the two grown men began giggling.

"Here you go, sir," Ted politely said, handing the required documentation to the officer.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" the officer asked.

Adam leaned forward. He eyed the officer's nametag. "Officer Hammill…You pulled us over because you're an Undertaker fan?"

"Excuse me?"

"Hardy fan. He's clearly a Hardy fan," Jay chimed in from the back.

"SHAME!" Kaitlyn and Mack chided simultaneously.

"I pulled you over because you were doing 66," the officer explained.

"It's a 65 zone," Ted said.

"Exactly. You were speeding. Wait here."

"Ted, you're such a dumbass!" Becky yelled, slapping the back of his head.

"Leave Ted alone!" Cody said, defending his tag team partner.

"Sorry for hitting your boyfriend!"

"He's not my boyfriend!"

"YOU'RE ALL STUPID!" Adam yelled, abruptly ending the argument.

"What do I do?" Ted wondered, beginning to shake.

"You wait here, obviously," Cody stated.

"SORRY I'M NOT A WONDERFUL DRIVER LIKE YOU, MISTER BATMOBILE!"

"Theodore, I am taking you under my wing and am going to improve your eloquence," Jericho said.

"I do not want to read your Jeri-nary."

Officer Hammill returned to the open window. "I'm going to have to ask you to step outside. Here's your stuff back, first."

Ted grabbed his registration and license to put them away. He was preparing to exit the vehicle until…

"BANZAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

All of a sudden, Ted had a blonde Canadian in his lap.

Jay.

"I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE!" he yelled. While sitting on Ted's lap, he stepped on the gas and drove away, clutching onto the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white.

"I'M GOING TO GET ARRESTED!" Ted screamed, trying to push Jay off of him.

"I'M DRIVING HERE!"

Mack and Kaitlyn turned around to see what the cop was doing. He was still standing there, dumbfounded.

Ted frowned. He did not like having his car being driven for him. He did not like being in a car of people that apparently hated him. He did not like having a man in his lap.

"I hate my life."


End file.
